Stay busy.

I know because I stayed busy.

I stayed busy, simply surviving, simply living one day and then the next.

And I thanked God every day for my daughter getting professional help so that I could stay busy and avoid “The Talk.”

Now I know, it's the conversations we avoid that truly matter.

But I didn't know that then and for years afterward we had an unspoken agreement to let the past be the past.

And then Stephanie broke the silence, she opened the door to the closet where I had kept her suicide attempts and shone a bright light on what had grown in the years of silent darkness.

I wasn't ready, and if it had happened any way other than the way that it happened, I suspect that I would’ve found a way to avoid it.

I hadn’t yet learned that it’s the conversations we avoid that truly matter.

The morning of her talk is sunny and already hot. The hotel is on the outskirts of Sarasota, FL. I walk into the conference room and greet the 12 speakers I’ve trained to deliver “Messages That Matter.”

The videographer sets up, the mic and projector work, and the audience take their seats. Stephanie is nervous and excited - you know that state you get in right before you give a talk. She looks amazing in her dark blouse and flowery skirt with her hair pulled back in combs. I’m super proud of my daughter. She’s first on the speaker’s roster. The lights dim.

Jackie: “Everyone, please help me welcome Stephanie Ashton.” Stephanie walks confidently to the front of the room and shakes my hand.

She opens with “3,000 teens attempt to take their own lives every day in the US.”

In the back of the room . . . I’m stunned, twice – first because I have no idea the number is that high and second because I have no idea her topic is suicide. Stephanie continues:

Stephanie: “When I was 14, at the end of a bad day of shopping, I stood in my bathroom. The pain of not fitting into any clothes was just more proof that I didn’t fit in anywhere. That pain was more than I could bear. I took a razor and cut into my left arm, trying to end the pain . . . and my life.”

I’m in disbelief at Stephanie’s big reveal. The blood drains from my face as Stephanie talks:

Stephanie: “It wasn't my only attempt. There were others. Outside of professional help, I've never really talked about it, not even with mom. Mom and I talked around it, but not about it. Too awkward. Too easy to avoid. Too painful.

Mom and I had other talks. We had ‘The Talk’ about sex. We had ‘The Talk’ about drugs. We had ‘The Talk’ about alcohol. Then I went to college, on a dry campus - that means that the kegs were hidden in the showers in the girl’s dorm.

Mom and I had ‘The Talk’ about alcohol more than once.

But we never really had ‘The Talk’ about suicide. [pause ]

I still struggle with suicidal thoughts.”

In the back of the room, my heart sinks. I go from pale to bone cold . . .

For the first time, I realize the struggles Stephanie faced alone because I didn’t have the courage to break the silence and have “The Talk About Suicide.”

Have you, ever, been hijacked by a bad memory?

Only my 30 years of stress management training keeps me from crawling into a corner and bawling.

Stephanie winds up her talk with:

Stephanie: “On my suicide-avoidant journey, I’ve learned tons of coping skills. Now, I want to help teens learn these skills before they need them. Yes, BEFORE they need them.”

There’s not a dry eye in the room, including mine.

The audience gives her a standing ovation. Some rush up to hug her and thank her for being so willing, so vulnerable, so brave.

I’m frozen in the back of the room, torn between pride for her bravery and guilt and shame for my cowardice.

Then it hit me . . . 3,000 teens attempt to end their lives every day.

This means every day 6,000 parents start to live the guilt-nightmare.

This means every day over 20,000 grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, and sisters start to live the guilt-nightmare.

This means every day 100s of 1,000s of classmates, teachers, boyfriends, girlfriends, and neighbors start to live the guilt-nightmare that I’d lived.

All, probably just as blind-sided by it as I had been.

Then I wondered, what if Stephanie was right?

What if the key to stopping teen suicide could be as simple as having “The Talk About Suicide” BEFORE it’s needed.

Before your teen struggles with suicidal thoughts.

This is the link that’s been missing! Something so simple and obvious that professionals have tripped over it. Simple and obvious, like putting wheels on luggage or putting ketchup in squeezable bottles. Simple and obvious.

After the event, Stephanie and I decide to work together.

Who knew that was possible?

Together with her sisters, we co-founded the Teen Suicide Prevention Society.

Our research taught us that teen suicide prevention is not about intervention, it’s not about “at-risk” anyone, and it’s NOT about looking for signs. Parents won’t see the signs, even if there are some. It’s not your fault. Our brains naturally filter out what we don’t believe is there.

That’s why we say: Pre-vention means having “The Talk About Suicide,” BEFORE you think they need it.

We started teaching – moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, and friends – how to have “The Talk About Suicide.”

“The Talk About Suicide” is a planned, science-based talk. It has a short, simple script based on how the teen brain really works. A script designed to save you from the guilt nightmare. A script that tells you when intervention is needed. A script that builds emotional resiliency, in both the teen and you.

Here’s our 4-Step Script for having “The Talk About Suicide:”

Step 1: Invite your teen to talk one-on-one and ask: “Have you heard about the rise in teen suicides?”

Step 2: Ask your teen: “Do you have a friend who’s tried or died?”

Step 3: Ask your teen: “Have you ever thought of leaving that way?”

Step 4: Ask your teen: “What are your reasons for staying?” “Why stay?”

Ask: “What else?”

Keep them talking about their reasons for staying.

If your teen has thoughts of leaving and does not have any reasons for staying . . . STAY WITH THEM and call 911.

Oh, they’ll hate you for it . . .

AND you might save their life.

Our students share their stories with us.

Like Raphael who works with underprivileged teenage girls. He’s shared 16 stories of lives that “The Talk About Suicide” has saved, so far.

Tammy had “The Talk About Suicide” with her troubled son. They cried together. He accepted professional help.

Now, it’s your turn.

Step UP.

Break the silence.

Have "The Talk."

Don’t let anything stop you from asking them to talk.

Here’s how to get the conversation started:

First, be willing to stop being busy.

Then be willing to invest time talking about what they’re interested in.

Break the ice – ask:

“What’s Up?”,

“What’s NEWS?” or

“What’s the best thing that’s happened to you so far today?”

Simply start and simply listen.

Then use the 4-step script above.

I know I got really lucky, my daughter survived.

I also know that you can’t tell who’s at risk by looking . . . so PLEASE stop trying to guess!

Please be willing to break the silence and have “The Talk About Suicide.”

Please be their Advocate for Living.

Everyone deserves an Advocate for Living.

One person who believes in you more than you believe in yourself